Anyone else? I'll be honest, I am not sure I had strong ideas about the type of mother I would be, but I definitely thought I'd find being one easier, more "natural"...less messy.
When I think about my transition to motherhood, my matrescence, Kintsugi always springs to mind; the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery using glue mixed with precious metals, ultimately making something more beautiful that its original form.
“We still barely acknowledge the physiological and psychological significance of becoming a mother: how it affects the brain, the endocrine system, cognition, immunity, the psyche, the microbiome, the sense of self. This is a problem.
Everyone knows adolescents are uncomfortable and awkward because they are going through extreme mental and bodily changes, but, when they have a baby, women are expected to transition with ease - to breeze into a completely new self, a new role, at one of the most perilous and sensitive times in the life course.” (Jones, 2023).
I imagine the broken fragments of ceramic are the different aspects of my mind, body and identity, as described by Jones. My resultant feelings from this process? Resilient, adapted, changed, evolved, empowered...and, at the same time, also slightly fragile.
We talk about matrescence time and time again in group, and in the therapy room, including the grief and loss that can come with parts of our identity shifting.
So, I thought it might be helpful to illustrate the process we go through during a transition, before reflecting on some things that can be helpful to guide us through.
The seven stages outlined below generally represent the stages of a wide range of transitions (Sugerman, 1986). However, as with all psychological models, take them with a pinch of salt.
Immobilisation, is characterised by a sense of being in shock and can be accompanied by a sense of overwhelm. You might have experienced this when you found out you were pregnant, when you went into labour, during and/or after delivery, or that first night at home with a newborn!
Reaction - Once the shock falls away it can be followed by an emotional reaction e.g. of elation or despair, which is often later accompanied by some sort of minimisation of the feelings associated with the event and/or impact of the change.
Self-doubt can then take over, following the growing realisation of the reality of the change in ones’s life.
Letting go - during this stage, the reality of the change is accepted and the hold on the past is lessened in order to actively cope with the new situation. This might involve breaking and reforming some attachments or bonds and may require courage and a leap of faith. In some ways letting go is also the first part of the transition.
Testing - we enter the testing stage when our relationship to the past is partially renegotiated and begin to explore new options and different ways of behaving. E.g. you might start making some mum friends, trying postnatal exercise, or ways of engaging with your kids . New bonds and attachments are formed and self-esteem begins to rise.
Searching for meaning is characterised by a conscious striving to learn from the experience and make sense of what has happened.
Intergration happens when the transition no longer dominates one’s life and the new behaviours, attachments, self-concepts and understandings have become intergral to that person’s view of the world. Sugerman (1986) argues the transition process is complete when the individual feels “at home” in the new, post-transition reality. Kintsugi is complete.
At the moment (4 years following the birth of my first) I feel that I am somewhere between 5-7 in my matrescence. Where are you? In fact, it also feels like a new behaviour from my eldest, or another of life’s curveballs, will take me to the beginning again on a different process. It really rings true that change is the only constant!
So how do we take care of ourselves through all that change?
Knowledge
Maybe you've heard about matrescence before, I hadn't until I was about 18 months postpartum. It was a real light bulb moment for me. It really helped contextualise all the conflicting feelings I had. Mainly though, it just shined the light on the enormity of the transition and how normal and universal it was to find it hard. So, zooming out and gaining some understanding and context is key.
Talking
The main way I find we do this is by talking. If we can discuss some of the more difficult thoughts and feelings we might have towards parenting, we can process them and often find common ground with others who feel the same, helping us to realise that we're not alone. That might be via journaling, with a loved one, a close friend, in a group, or with a professional. That is exactly what Offload the "Motherload" and Applause for Parents were created for!
Meet yourself with compassion
I won't say too much on this here as I want to do another piece on what self-compassion, or 'self-care,' looks like in reality for busy parents. But, I will say that qualities such as acceptance and self-compassion can also be really helpful to support us through transitions. Whilst in the early years it can feel like the different parts of our identities, e.g. our work and parental identity, are always clashing, it can be helpful to remember that there will come a time when this will balance out; this is just for now, this season of parenthood.
Think about your values
Something that has provided comfort to me when I’m feeling a bit lost between who I was then versus who I am now has been focusing on my values.
Values are personal qualities that we’d like to bring to our behaviour; a quality that guides the words and actions we use in our interactions with others, the world around us and in our relationship to self. For example I’d like to be loving, compassionate and kind towards my family. We can use them for motivation, if we’re feeling stuck, they can guide us through difficult decisions and changes; helping us to make our lives more meaningful and rewarding.
Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap has a worksheet which you can download for free here. This is a great way to get you thinking about your values.
“We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life”
C. Jung.
I hope that was helpful.
Love, Charlie X
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