Connected Through Challenge: Communication Tools for Busy Lives

From avoidance to connection — using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy principles to talk about what matters most.

Difficult conversations — about money, intimacy, parenting, or unmet needs, often trigger avoidance or conflict. Here are some of my favourite things to keep in mind to help things stay grounded and respectful.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) communication is less about saying the “perfect” words and more about how we show up while saying them.

Be fully present

Put aside distractions and give your partner your attention. Eye contact, an open posture, and a calm tone all communicate care before a single word is spoken.

Make space for uncomfortable feelings

Difficult conversations often stir anxiety, defensiveness, or hurt. Instead of trying to push those feelings away, notice them and allow them to be there while you continue to act in line with your values. By values we mean…

Let values guide your behaviour

Ask yourself: What kind of partner do I want to be in this moment? Patient? Respectful? Honest? Caring? These values act like a compass, helping you respond intentionally, guiding how you want to be in that moment, rather than reacting automatically.

Communicate with your whole body

Your face, voice, and posture send powerful signals. Softening your tone, slowing your pace, and relaxing your shoulders can help keep the conversation calmer for both of you.

Setting Conversations Up for Success

Timing and context matter. Even the best communication tools struggle when we’re exhausted, distracted, or already overwhelmed.

• Choose a moment when neither of you is at peak stress

• Avoid starting important talks late at night or after alcohol

• Consider changing the environment — a walk or coffee shop can feel less confrontational than the kitchen during the evening rush

• If the topic is sensitive, give a heads-up so your partner doesn’t feel ambushed

Before the conversation, it can also help to reflect on your partner’s strengths and the ways they do show care. Holding a balanced perspective makes it easier to stay compassionate.

Listening to Understand (Not to Win)

A values-led conversation focuses on understanding before persuading.

• Let your partner finish without interrupting

• Reflect back what you hear to check you’ve understood

• Ask curious, open questions about their feelings and needs

Even if they’re not immediately receptive, maintaining a calm, respectful stance often makes it easier for them to soften over time.

Choosing Words That Build Connection

The final piece of the puzzle is the language we use.

Language can either inflame or invite.

• Avoid absolutes like “always” and “never”

• Avoid starting sentences with “you” as this can feel accusatory

• Instead, speak from your experience using “I” - “I feel…” and “I would appreciate…”

• Pair honesty with kindness

A helpful formula can be:“When X happens, I feel Y, I need Z, could we A?”

1. Describe X

   Stick to observable facts rather than interpretations or judgments.

   “Bedtime has been taking over an hour most nights.”

   
   

2. Share how it affects you emotionally (Y)

   Use “I feel…” statements to stay in your own experience.

   “I feel overwhelmed and frazzled when that happens.”

   
   

3. Name the need underneath the feeling (X)

   Needs are universal — such as rest, support, teamwork, or calm.

   “I need a sense of calm and shared responsibility in the evenings.”

   
   

4. Make a clear, flexible request (A)

   Requests invite collaboration rather than demand compliance.

   “Would you be willing to handle one child’s bedtime while I settle the other?”

   
   

This structure helps shift the tone from blame to teamwork — from “you’re doing this wrong” to “here’s what would help us work better together.”

Remember, the words are only part of the message — your tone and body language carry equal weight.

Practice, Patience, and Positive Moments

These skills are simple to understand but take time to embody. Slipping back into old patterns is normal. What matters is returning, again and again, to the kind of relationship you want to build. Try to notice and name what is working, not just what isn’t. Regular appreciation helps create emotional safety, making difficult conversations easier to navigate in the future.

Change in relationships rarely comes from one perfect talk — it grows from many small, values-guided moments of connection.

References

Harris, R. (2023) ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Revised and updated edition. London: New Harbinger Publications. ISBN 9781648481635.