Navigating Uncertainty in Working Motherhood: What Resilience Really Looks Like During Transitions

Motherhood often arrives with the expectation that eventually things will "settle down" — after the newborn phase, during the holidays, a few months into the new job. And often they do. But for many working mothers, life can feel like a continuous cycle of transition: returning to work, career shifts, changing family needs, identity changes, hormonal changes, financial ups and downs, difficult stretches of sleep, exams and managing uncertainty about the future all whilst still trying to function day to day.

These transitions can feel psychologically exhausting; not because you are failing, but because as humans we are generally not comfortable with unpredictability and change.

One of the biggest misconceptions about resilience is that resilient people cope perfectly, stay positive, or push through without feeling the “feels”. In reality, resilience is usually much quieter and more human than that.

Why Transitions Feel So Emotionally Hard

Our brains LOVE trying to predict what will happen next, doing so makes their lives easier and costs them less fuel. Uncertainty makes that harder for them, as it reduces our ability to anticipate and prepare for what's coming. When life feels unpredictable our threat-detection systems can become more active, and fear of the unknown itself is one of the most consistent predictors of anxiety across the research (Carleton, 2016; Grupe & Nitschke, 2013). For many mothers, this shows up as:

• Overthinking

• Hypervigilance

• Difficulty relaxing

• Emotional exhaustion

• Irritability

• Self-doubt

• Feeling emotionally "untethered"

• Gripping tightly to certainty or control

It is also really important to name that a large part of what makes transitions so hard sits outside any one person's control — inflexible workplace policies, the unequal distribution of caregiving and domestic labour, and inconsistent (& expensive) childcare support all add real weight on top of the internal adjustment.

Building resilience doesn't mean absorbing all of that quietly (and silently blaming yourself for not coping); it sits alongside pushing for better structural support, not instead of it.

The changes that happen within a transition can involve grief and loss. Sometimes we are not only adapting to something new, we are also letting go of an old version of ourselves, old routines, old expectations, or old ideas about control.

This particular transition into motherhood, and then through its many re-arrivals, has its own name in the research: matrescence, a term coined by reproductive psychologist Aurélie Athan and brought into wider use recently by Lucy Jones's book of the same name. It describes the developmental shift into motherhood as something closer to adolescence in its mind-body transformation and identity metamorphosis, not a problem to be fixed or a phase to rush through. Many mothers find it steadying simply to know this disorientation is developmental and expected, rather than a sign that something has gone wrong.

What Resilience Actually Looks Like In Working Motherhood

Psychological resilience is not about never struggling. There's no single agreed definition in the research, but most converge on something like: successful adaptation despite adversity (Southwick et al., 2014). And increasingly, that adaptation looks less like raw toughness and pure grit, but softer, and more like:

• Psychological flexibility

• Emotional regulation

• Self-compassion

• Social support

• Adaptability

• Meaning-making

• Nervous system recovery

I love using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in the therapy room. ACT describes psychological flexibility as the ability to stay present and connected to our values even when life feels uncomfortable or uncertain — and it's one of the more consistent predictors of good mental health across the research (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).

This matters because much of our suffering during transitions can come not only from uncertainty itself, but from the exhausting attempt to eliminate uncertainty or assuming it should be painless. Sometimes the emotional pain intensifies through:

• Constant reassurance-seeking

• Over-controlling

• Fighting reality

• Pressuring ourselves to "figure everything out"

• Judging ourselves for struggling

Acceptance doesn’t mean we have to like uncertainty, it means trying to loosen the grip on the impossible task of controlling every outcome.

Using ACT to Tolerate Uncertainty

One of the core ideas within ACT is learning how to make space for discomfort rather than organising your entire life around avoiding it.

Sounds simple, right? In practice it is deeply challenging, especially during motherhood, where uncertainty can feel high-stakes and emotionally loaded.

ACT encourages us to ask:

• What is within my control right now?

• What is outside my control?

• How do I want to respond to myself while this uncertainty exists?

• What matters to me, even in this season?

Sometimes resilience looks like:

• Letting some things remain unresolved

• Pausing the need for certainty

• Allowing emotions without immediately fixing them

• Adjusting expectations temporarily

• Accepting that transitions take time

And importantly: remembering that transitions are temporary states, not permanent identities.

Resilience Often Starts With Basic Needs

When overwhelmed, many people instinctively focus on becoming more productive or "coping better." But the nervous system usually needs something much more fundamental first. During periods of transition, resilience is often sustained through very ordinary things:

• Sleep

• Eating regularly

• Hydration

• Movement

• Rest

• Slowing down

• Emotional support

• Reducing unnecessary pressure

• Asking for help

This may sound simple, but many working mothers become disconnected from these needs while trying to hold everything (or everyone else) together. Sometimes resilience is not about adding more strategies. Sometimes it's about figuring out what can be put down, or subtracted, even temporarily. Letting certain things go temporarily can be an act of psychological wisdom — one of the central pillars of self-compassion — rather than failure.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

Research consistently shows that self-compassion is strongly associated with resilience, emotional wellbeing, and lower anxiety during periods of stress and transition, and the evidence base for ACT-based approaches that build this kind of flexibility continues to grow (Gloster et al, 2020).

Self-compassion doesn't mean self-pity or avoidance. It means responding to ourselves with the same understanding we would offer someone else who is struggling — noticing our own struggle and choosing to turn towards it rather than away from it.

This might sound like:

• "This is a difficult season."

• "I am allowed to adjust slowly."

• "I do not need to cope perfectly."

• "It makes sense that this feels hard."

• "I can support myself while things feel uncertain."

Many mothers speak to themselves in ways they would never speak to another person. Over time, this harsh internal pressure can deepen exhaustion and reduce emotional resilience. Self-compassion helps regulate the nervous system because it reduces internal threat and shame.

Asking for Help Is Part of Resilience

Modern motherhood often promotes the idea that strength means managing everything independently. But resilience is rarely built in isolation.

Supportive relationships are one of the strongest protective factors for psychological wellbeing during stressful

life transitions. Whether through friendships, therapy, peer support groups, family, or community, emotional support helps regulate stress and reduce feelings of overwhelm.

Sometimes resilience looks like:

• Saying "I'm struggling"

• Delegating

• Lowering standards temporarily

• Receiving care

• Resting before burnout

• Allowing yourself to be supported

You Do Not Need to Have It All Figured Out

Transitions are inherently uncomfortable because they involve uncertainty, identity shifts, and emotional adjustment. But uncertainty is not evidence that you are failing.

You are allowed to be in-between versions of yourself. You are allowed to not have clarity yet. And you are allowed to move through change slowly, imperfectly, and with support.

Resilience is not becoming unaffected by life. It is learning how to stay connected to yourself while life changes around you.

If the uncertainty you're carrying feels less like a difficult season and more like something that isn't lifting — low mood, anxiety, or overwhelm that's affecting your day-to-day functioning — it's worth speaking to your GP or a therapist. Support is available, and reaching out is itself part of resilience.

I use AI to help organise my thoughts and drafts - but the ideas, experiences and final words here are my own.

Further Reading & Resources

Psychological Flexibility

• The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

• Emotional Agility by Susan David

Matrescence & Identity Transition

• Matrescence: On the Metamorphosis of Motherhood by Lucy Jones

Self-Compassion

• Self-Compassion.org – Dr Kristin Neff

• The Compassionate Mind by Professor Gilbert 

• The Compassionate Mind Workbook by Dr Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont

Maternal Mental Health Support (UK)

• PANDAS Foundation UK

• Maternal Mental Health Alliance

Referenced Research

• Carleton, R. N. (2016). Fear of the unknown: One fear to rule them all? Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 41, 5–21.

• Gloster, A. T., Walder, N., Levin, M. E., Twohig, M. P., & Karekla, M. (2020). The empirical status of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 181–192.

• Grupe, D. W., & Nitschke, J. B. (2013). Uncertainty and anticipation in anxiety: an integrated neurobiological and psychological perspective. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 14, 488–501.

• Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.

• Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: Interdisciplinary perspectives. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5, 25338.